tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
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