I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
