My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
My ass is underappreciated
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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