I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
