For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
