my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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