I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
