The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
