PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
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