i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
