did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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