onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
