Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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