I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
