I just threw up on my dentist
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Randomize