I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
