I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
