I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
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