when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Let's paint friendship bongs
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
