Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
