so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
