I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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