Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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