Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize