i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
