I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
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