...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
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