Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
