i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
