My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
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