i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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