I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
