My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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