why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
