it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
