Just fell off a train. Bad.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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