Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
