closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
