I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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