I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
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