Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Randomize
