She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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