I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
