From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Of course I have a pirate flag
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
