saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
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