1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
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