I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
