I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
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