Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
