so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
