It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
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