i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
zippers are such a cool invention
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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