I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
