She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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