Only a mothe r could love this liver
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
