Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
