Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Randomize
