You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize