ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
