I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Randomize
