you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Randomize
