Who did Billy Mays play for?
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Randomize
