I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Randomize
