I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
