So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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