My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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