When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
